Saturday, February 20, 2010

Mama Feeling Whiny Today......

Jessie has had diarrhea for a couple of days.  Wednesday and Thursday we stayed home together and I put off doing things that needed doing, finally, today they HAD to be done.  I had to do a quick run by at a doctor's office, go to Sam's to get prescriptions and some groceries, etc., go to Verizon to pay a bill and talk with Customer Service to decide whether to 1) make an insurance claim, paying the deductible to get a new phone or 2) whether or when I was eligible to get a new phone.  I've decided to TRY to hang in there till May but my phone is being very aggravating! 

I left Jessie at home with big brother and sister while I did all these things.  Most of the time I try to take Jessie with me when I run such errands, because it gets her out of the house a bit (she gets to talk to a million strangers while out which makes her happy and slows me down!) and Jordan and Evan can get their school work done.  One of two things happens when I leave her home with them on a school day.  EITHER, she watches entirely too much t.v. OR they don't get their school work done for entertaining her.   Either scenario leaves me feeling guilty. Even though it couldn't be helped the way things worked today, I told them they would have to finish their school work tomorrow :(  Soon as I got home from those errands, I threw things in the freezer and ran out the door again, taking Jordan to a friend's house to work on Chemistry and ACT prep, leaving Jessie home with Evan another couple hours.  The time between dropping her off and picking her back up left me with not really enough time to warrant driving all the way back to Headland, so I decided to run through a car wash, vacuum the van and get a few things at Walmart before picking Jordan back up. 

 Where the whining comes in........I debated whether I wanted to share this or not, but decided to do so.  It felt so wonderful today to do all those things without being slowed down by Jessie. Jessie doesn't have good endurance for a whole lot of walking, the walking she does is slow, and getting her in and out of the car, always a potty break or a snack, when we have errands to do it is painfully slow at times.  At Verizon she wants to look at what she wants to look at or talk to someone when I'm wanting to look at phones.  The last two trips to Verizon...when they called my name, I was taking her to the potty and lost my place in line.  When they realized I was there they called me again next, but you get what I'm sayin'.  I could never have accomplished all of what I got done today if she had been with me; I would have had to do part of the list today and finish the rest another day.  That's usually how I do things. Today I felt super productive (that always makes me feel good!) and felt guilty that I wish things weren't so hard. Maybe guilt isn't even the right word.  I felt tired of things being/seeming so hard. 

 Already, tonight I feel differently.  Tomorrow, I'll be completely back to my joyful self....but today....I felt weighted down. I have been mama to a little person for 15 years now.  Whereas Jordan and Evan were much more independent at the age Jessie is now (8), physically, in many ways with Jessie, it is still like caring for a toddler.  I still brush her teeth, wipe her bottom, wash her hair, help with getting dressed etc.  She doesn't do any of those things well enough yet to do them herself.  Today, just for today, I felt tired of having "a toddler".  I am ready for a new phase, that truly I don't think is right around the corner.  I didn't like having these feelings, even while knowing they are normal. 

While Jessie has had diarrhea, I have had to keep a towel under her wherever she sits or sleeps; she has had many accidents as she doesn't realize it in time to make it to the potty.  I have been constantly washing the clothes and towels.  Today, while I was gone, Jordan and Evan were dealing with that (not the washing but the taking care of her). What a wonderful big brother and sister they are.  When I dropped Jordan off and was debating on whether to come back home (which would have involved 1hr of driving back and forth with just 30 or 45 minutes at home before going back to get her) Evan encouraged me to just do the things I needed to do, that he and Jessie would be just fine, and that he didn't mind, it was no big deal.  He had no idea how I needed that today or what a big deal it was to me. 

It felt SO GOOD to clean out my van! That may sound crazy but the van was so dirty it was just gross.  When you have to pull up the big trash can and move it from door to door as you clean....that's a sign it was too long overdue. 

Today I couldn't help feeling aggravated at how difficult some things are right now.  I needed to have time to do alone, things that had to be done.  I worry in sharing these kinds of feelings, that someone who doesn't know me well enough will misunderstand.  I also worry that those that do know me in person, and not just online, will feel sorry for me....don't! I did for today, and that was enough.  I'm over it.  I am always thankful that Jessie is ours, our lives are immeasurably enriched and better because of her.  When I got home tonight, I kissed her all over her face and told her how much I missed her.  It was true, even though I was glad to get done things I needed to, I missed my sweet little puffalump and couldn't wait to get all her sugar and snuggle with her for a few minutes. I called her while I was at Walmart today and told her I'd found her a new swimsuit cover up and asked what color she wanted.  She loves to get phone calls, loves new, pretty things, and loves making the choices herself.  She chose purple.  Tomorrow, I can't wait to show it to her.  She'll be so excited....and that will make my day :)

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