Mooo-o-o-m, you aren't keesing (kissing) me!

A good bit of time and conversation have been spent recently trying to make decisions about Jordan's school year (college) next year.  My sweet girl has had to weigh a lot of things and has been feeling conflicted and emotional, trying so hard to make the BEST decision.  Jordan has been dual enrolled this year, her senior year. We spent several hours last week at the community college where she's been taking classes, talking to her dual enrollment advisor and several others, getting the information we needed to help her make decisions.   

In the end, after more emotion than Daddy's like to deal with, I thought Daddy had some good advice for his big girl.  She'd been finding out all she could about 2 particular career choices and was afraid that no matter how hard she tried, she might later look back and wish she'd gone the other direction.  Daddy said, "Jordan, if six months from now you decide PTA (physical therapy assistant) isn't the direction you want to go, and you want to be a rodeo clown, your mom and I will find a rodeo clown school and do our best to get you there."  Of course, his point wasn't about rodeo clown school, (is there such a thing ? :)  Daddy wanted his girl to know 2 things.  First, you do your homework, investigate the best you can, and make the best decision with the information and life experience you currently have.  Mama and Daddy are going to support you and help you.  Period :)  Second, you won't ALWAYS make the best decision the 1st time around, no matter how hard you try.  No matter how much homework you do.  Sometimes, you may look back and think you might have gone another direction.  It's impossible to never make a mistake.

All this time, attention, and emotion given to Jordan was a wee bit hard for Jessie.  It wasn't purposeful, but every time I turned around, Jordan and I were talking and Jessie was having to wait her turn.  She recently told a friend of mine, "I HATE waiting."  She does :)  This particular morning, I would talk to Jordan, kiss and play with Jessie, talk to Jordan . Jessie was patient  for a while.  This was, after all, day 3 of all this going on.  Her times of waiting seemed too long to her compared to the amount of time she was getting attention.  Finally, she blurted, "Mo-o-o-m  (then thinking a minute what she wanted to say, when I looked at her for an explanation), you aren't keesing (kissing) me!  We all needed the good laugh and kissing session that followed.   College and career decisions are important.  Kissing is important too :)

Christmas 2011

The fall of this past year was so incredibly busy. A real juggling act between home and outside commitments. Much of what was going on required mental effort. By the time Christmas break from homeschooling came around, I very much felt that I needed a break. Mostly a break from thinking :)

I love what CHRISTmas is really about. I love the family time and traditions that we have at Christmas. I hate when those special times are polluted with stress. This Christmas I was so very determined to avoid the feeling of stress that comes with so much we "have to do". I had to keep evaluating all through the season what I really wanted or needed to do and what just "felt" important or necessary. I wasn't sure what "simplifying" Christmas was going to look like, but I felt that it was necessary.

This year we never put up any lights outside. Not on the house, not in the bushes (we always at least do this:), none of the wreaths went up on the front windows or the front door, no lit garland around the front door. This year I just didn't do any of it. At first, it wasn't my intent not to do it at all, but when I kept not getting around to it, I finally just decided it was too late to be worth the trouble. I didn't put up many of the indoor decorations that I sometimes do. None of the Santa pictures from years past were drug out of hiding. I didn't do any real baking this year. No baked gifts for friends. Sometimes I genuinely enjoy the baking, but this year, I just didn't want to do the grocery shopping necessary for baking. So I skipped it all this year.

So what did I do with all that time I usually would have been doing other things? I spent LOTS of hours chillin' with my teenagers. Watching tv. Watching movies. Drinking coffee. Drinking hot chocolate. Making and enjoying frappes. Playing Wii with Jessie. Snuggling. We rented so many movies from Redbox while we've been on break from homeschooling! It has been such a deliciously relaxing time. I can't remember when I've spent this much time doing...nothing. This might not be the same way another family would choose to relax, but without spending any money(redbox is so cheap it doesn't count:), this was our escape, and it has been so wonderful.

I had not done any Christmas shopping till well after Thanksgiving, so I started to get a bit stressed with shopping, shopping, shopping, looking for certain elusive items for my kids. Each time that feeling started to sneak up on me I just refused to let it be.

I have done some long overdue organizational projects around the house, partly in anticipation of having a houseful of folks Christmas day. And partly, just because I always try to take advantage of school breaks to accomplish projects that there isn't time for when school's going on. But, it didn't seem so daunting since I'd had some down time to clear my head. In the months leading up to Christmas, there were times it literally hurt just to think...not do, just think about some things that needed to be done. I had taken to saying, "lalalalalala", when someone brought something up that I couldn't bear to think about. I'm not exaggerating the level of mental exhaustion that I felt. Overwhelmed. Putting off important things because my mind was just too full.

Simplifying Christmas this year was just what we needed. We had a great Christmas! I hope next year that I will add back some of the things I skipped out on this year. We'll see, but this year Christmas was exactly as it needed to be.

We DID put up the tree :) Years ago, my mother in law (who is with Jesus now) gave us some lights that play music, every year they are first to go on the tree. I sat in the recliner, the music from the lights playing while we decorated. All but Jessie enjoyed coffee while we decorated. As I pulled each ornament out of the box, I reminded the kids where nearly every ornament came from. Me, the person who can't remember yesterday :) I would hand the ornaments to the kids and they would put them on the tree. A sweet, special time. As I think about it now, I can remember and feel the sweetness of that time together. I am ever mindful, that with a 15 and 17 year old, the time I have left with them at home is precious.

I don't recall, before this year, having been to church on the actual Christmas Day. We had a very sweet,simple service on Christmas Day. The thoughts and feelings from the service stayed with us, hovering over the rest of the day. We had The Lord's Supper. It seemed so fitting on the day of celebrating His birth, to remember His sacrifice for us. How very much He loves us. I remember singing the words, "For He alone is worthy", my heart full of thankfulness and praise.

Since Christmas, we've still been playing wii and watching movies. Starting to try to get our minds around the idea that tomorrow we start back to school. Even though I'm not looking forward to going back to the usual schedule, I do feel refreshed in a way that I definitely don't usually after Christmas break. It's been so nice to just be still.

I'm hoping that I can find a way to modify my "if it causes stress, just skip it" philosophy to everyday life. With three kids, it is just so hard to discern the good (all the good things we participate in) from the best (not taking on so much that there is no peace in my cluttered mind).

As we TRY to get out of bed tomorrow at a reasonable hour, and start back to school, I'm hoping not to need the words, "lalalalalala" :)

A Mama's Heart Overwhelmed

It took me by surprise, the overwhelming range of emotions I felt watching as Jessie participated in the children's musical at church tonight, "Peter Cotton's Tale."  I'd watched the kids many times as they practiced.  I'd helped in the sound booth.  So many thoughts as I watched tonight. I didn't expect to be so emotionally affected after having seen it so many times :)

One of the main thoughts I had was, most of the members at my church probably aren't familiar with the term, "inclusion."  They've probably never given that word a thought.  What my church knows is LOVE.  Because of love, my church family does such a beautiful job of including Jessie.  Tonight, Jessie sat beside Mrs. Wanda.  Mrs. Wanda is the music minister's wife, she has been Jessie's Sunday School teacher, her Awana teacher and has known Jessie from birth.  Mrs. Wanda sat there beside Jessie, cueing her when to stand, when to sit, and when the last song came on Jessie was able to follow Mrs. Wanda in doing the motions for the song. Jessie had a small chair (the only one that had a chair) beside Wanda.

We came to this church when I was six months pregnant with Jessie and did not know she would have Down syndrome.  All the folks that teach her and work with her have known her since the day she was born. My church family may not know what inclusion is, or have any idea what a hot topic it is, but they are good at it.  In Sunday School, Vacation Bible School, and Awana, they expect from Jessie whatever is her best.  They make adjustments and accommodations when they are needed. She is helped when it is needed but they all are proud of how much she can do herself.  When she was younger I was pretty much always with her, that was my choice.  As she got better at being able to communicate I slowly backed off.   

There's a lot of talk about inclusion, but often, I don't think what's called inclusion is really inclusion. To just be present as part of the group, in my opinion, doesn't always count as being included.  I found this definition of inclusion that I really liked:  “Inclusion is a sense of belonging: feeling respected, valued for who you are; feeling a level of supportive energy and commitment from others so than you can do your best work.”  Disabilities or not, that's what we want for all our kids. 

Watching Jessie tonight, my thoughts went back to a conversation I had with the Lord in the first day or so after Jessie was born.  I knew so little about Down syndrome.  Now some of the thoughts I had then I realize to some of you might seem exaggerated....but initially, I had no idea what Down syndrome meant.  I told God that whatever this meant for our family He was going to have to help us accept it.  That He would have to help us through.  I told Him if I were to be feeding her every meal for the rest of her life, if she were to be completely dependent on us, whatever it meant, He just needed to help us.  Tonight, watching, I thought about those thoughts, that conversation.  I watched my beautiful pig-tailed baby sing, "it's such amazing grace, it's such amazing mercy, it's such amazing love for me." She sang almost every word of the song, "Because of Your Love" and did motions with the song.  My heart was so full and overflowing.  The combination of the gratitude I feel for the Lord for all he's done for me, the pride in seeing my baby do so well and sing her little heart out, and the love I feel for my church family for the way they've loved her and us....this Mama's heart was overwhelmed with love and gratitude. 

New Realizations

Our kid has Down syndrome.  We've known this for a long time now :)  And yet, it seems that really understanding what that means happens over time. For each of us in the family, over time, there are some new realizations.  Sometimes, when they are new, it hurts a bit.  This past week was one of those times for Jordan. 

Jordan took Jessie along when she went to babysit 3 small children, all 6 and under.  Brave, huh?  She wanted Jessie to get to play with some friends.  She's played with these same children before and talks about them and wanting to go play with them.  This day, Jessie just never seemed to want to play the same things as the other children.  She was obsessively consumed with thoughts of a particular electronic game they weren't supposed to get out till after lunch.  The other kids were all fine with that.  Jessie just couldn't let it go and couldn't be satisfied with the other things.  Jessie's attention span....well, it ain't too long.  So, constantly Jessie was begging for V Smile.  She wasn't only being stubborn, which is certainly part of the equation.  She has no concept of how long till their lunch time.  No matter how hard Jordan tried to get Jessie to play cooperatively with the other kids, it just never lasted very long.  They love Lincoln logs...Jessie just doesn't have a clue why they're supposed to be fun.  We have some and she is so totally disinterested, even if I play with her.  I don't remember the other things they were playing but Jordan tried so hard, doing everything she could to make it work.  Jessie has a one track mind, a short attention span, inability to do some things kids younger than her can do, is inflexible, and stubborn.  Jordan called me crying and asked me to talk to Jessie.  Sometimes a little reminder from mom is all that is needed.  When I talked to Jessie she realized Jordan was crying and she began to cry.  Jordan had told her if she didn't behave she was going home. She started putting her shoes on and was ready to go home.  Jessie loves nothing better than playing with other children so that let me know that her frustration level was high as well.  I think she really was trying hard to "be good" but she did not want to play the things the other children were and didn't know what to do with herself. Jordan had a good cry on the way home.  We talked for while when she got home and then she said, "I feel like I just found out my baby has Down syndrome."  This day, she understood that Jessie wasn't trying to be uncooperative or behave badly but the situation was beyond her. No matter how much we love Jessie, sometimes Down syndrome is hard. 

Jordan is so mothering to Jessie.  I've said several times that I know Jessie will be well loved and taken care of by her siblings when one day her dad and I aren't here.  I know with no reservations that Jordan and Evan will willingly accept that responsibility and will always have her best interests at heart.  None of us knows what tomorrow holds.....so it is such a great comfort to me to know that.  Of course Jordan and Evan are just 16 and 14 so they love her like siblings do, not parents. Although the realizations of this day were hard for Jordan, it helped me to know that when that day comes, she will have the insight she needs to understand Jessie and know what's best for her.  I thank God for showing me that.

Squeeze the Charmin

It's precious to me that at 9 years old, if Jessie wakes up beside me (any excuse will do to get in mama's bed sometimes) that she looks at me and smiles when she sees that I'm there.  This morning she did that, then leaned over and kissed me.  I kissed her a minute then the dog started begging to go out, so I encouraged Jessie to stay in the bed a bit while we did Bible.  She hates to wait how long it takes before she can have the main tv in the living room, the one with all her shows dvr'd.  She went back to sleep I think for a few minutes.

"Good Morning, Mama".  "Good Morning, Mama".  Evan helps out, "Mama, Jessie said good morning to you two times".  She has learned, for the most part, to wait patiently or go watch tv in another room till we finish Bible, so although she spoke to me, she had come and sat down in front of the Barbie house and started to play.   Since I'm the one reading I never even heard what she said.  I love that Evan wanted to be sure I acknowledged her greeting.

We finished Bible and I called Jessie up on the couch with me for a proper "good morning".  She snuggled up in my lap, and these days she's quite a lapful (I was shocked when they weighed her a couple of weeks ago and she weighed 100 lbs!).  We chatted a minute and then there was a pause.  Then she says, "Squeeze the Charmin".  I've told her a plenty that she was "the Charmin", all soft and squeezable.  Some times when she walks by I'll tell her I need a squeeze.  This was the 1st time she'd told me to squeeze the charmin.

Sometimes these days feel complicated, trying to meet each kids needs and do it in a way that speaks in each of their "love languages".  I am sure that as the day goes on, things will get more complicated, and that even Jessie won't be satisfied with whatever time or attention that I can give her.  Even so, I'm glad that I am here with them.  I'm glad that we started the day reading the Bible together.  I'm glad that we have time to stop and squeeze the charmin.  It helps me hold on in those crazy moments, of which there are many!

Always Learning :)

Jordan sleeps with her big sister, Jordan.  A couple of nights ago they were laying in bed together, talking before going to sleep.  While talking Jessie brought up that she had written on Jordan's t.v. earlier in the day.  When she had done it earlier, Jordan had scolded her and given her a pop on the bottom and Jessie was angry about getting in trouble.  She didn't seem to be repentant at all.  While talking in bed, she (Jessie) said she was sorry she wrote on Jordan's t.v.  Jordan said she thought another second and then told Jordan she would clean it up.  When Jordan told me about this the next morning, you can imagine that it made my mama heart very happy.

Two things:  #1, Jessie was obviously laying there thinking over her day, LIKE THE REST OF US DO when we lay in bed at night.  I've never known before if Jessie thinks back over things in that same way.  I know Jessie continues to talk about something fun we've done that she wants to do again, but this was clearly different.  When Jessie was younger it was so hard that often we didn't know for sure exactly what she was thinking.  I am amazed constantly at how her communication has improved.  Not only her ability to speak well enough to be understood,  but to be able to find the words to communicate what it is she wants to say.  It seems like she surprises me with something she says almost every day.

#2:  She realized she had done wrong, she was sorry, AND she wanted to make it right.  Wow!  There are certainly plenty of times when she is genuinely sorry for something she's done and she tries to clean up her mess, etc.  In the heat of the moment Jessie wasn't sorry, but after a "cooling off period" she could see more clearly.  There are many adults that could learn from her example :) 

Children with Down syndrome are so loving....??

When we meet new people and they say things like how loving all people with Down syndrome are, it seems a stereotype that isn't at all how I see Jessie.  She is very loving but those would not be the first words that come to mind in describing her.  I wonder, "Have YOU met my Jessie?"  She is such a spunky, stubborn (she fits that stereotype!), fun, funny, girl with her own personality.  Jessie has such a *"Hall" sense of humor. One of the things I've always loved about my husband is his ability to make me laugh.  He is truly a funny guy. Sometimes goofy, but mostly funny.  After all these years, his sense of humor has rubbed off on me....and then the kids.  We don't play truly mean pranks, but we love to play jokes on one another.  Our humor often is sarcastic but without meanness.  We love to be silly and take each other off guard by doing something unexpected....just for fun.  I think it's a sign of her intelligence that Jessie, too, is funny this way without copying exact things that we've done in the past.  She comes up with her own humor that mimics our style.  If I had to use just one word to describe Jessie, I think it would be fun. Of course, everything about her isn't fun, but if only allowed one word, fun would have to be it.

 I've started trying to write down some of the funny things Jessie says and does. Here are a few of Jessie's most recent times of entertaining us:

I KNOW that Jessie greatly prefers fried chicken, not baked chicken. I had already told her that our supper was going to be baked chicken, not fried. It had been a while since I had made baked chicken so I wasn't really sure if she would remember what the difference was. 

Me:  Do you want some chicken?
Jessie: Yeah!
Me:  It's baked chicken.
Jessie: uugggghh, gross. Disgust dripping from her voice.
I do not know where she picked up this phrase to use so appropriately, but she's been using it a fair amount lately when I'm serving anything that isn't fried or contains vegetables or fruit.  Maybe this one was a "you had to be there" for it to be funny. 

Jessie has a fascination with money.  She doesn't understand the concept of "how much" where money is concerned, but she does know that dollars are better than change.  She will take change when it is all she can get, but she prefers "dollars". She has been known to take money from our wallets, Jordan's bedside table, etc.  She is a very cheerful giver at church with OUR STOLEN MONEY.  One Sunday, her Sunday School teacher was commenting on all the change Jessie had brought with her....I had known nothing about it.  We later decided the money had come from Jordan's nightstand.  She also loves to "pay".  She wants us to give her "dollars" so that she can pay with her own money from her wallet when she wants a snack/drink at gymnastics or a "shwushwee" (slushee) at Target. There are many funny, and many not so funny, discussions about money at our house.

Jessie:  Hey Mommy. Smiling so sweetly.
Jessie:  I love you. I know she wants something....
Jessie:   Give me a dollar.   I'm a sweetheart.......She really meant, "I'm your sweetheart" or "I'll be your sweetheart". She clearly understands that money is desirable and her affection is a tool for negotiation!

Jessie sleeps with her older sister, Jordan, in Jordan's room. Usually Jordan sleeps nearest the door and Jessie sleeps on the side next to the wall. Recently, Jessie usually lays on the couch to go to sleep, then later wakes up and goes to Jordan's bed during the night.  Some of the time Jordan has started just moving over and Jessie climbs up on the outside edge. One night that they laid down to go to bed together rather than her falling asleep on the couch Jessie started this conversation:

Jessie:  Please, Jordan, can we switch sides tonight?
Jordan:  No, I wanna read so I need this side (by the lamp).
Jessie:  Come on, you.....me...together....best friends. She smiles, angelicly, irresistably (Jordan's words:)
Jordan:  No, sorry Jessie, maybe another night. Jordan moves Jessie over.
Jessie:  Then you pay me my dollar!!
Jordan thought this was all so cute and wanted to be sure to be able to tell it to me so she rolled over and typed this into Notepad on her phone.

Jessie has gone through a phase of calling Evan "boy".  This is NOT just that she knows he is a boy.  She meant it to be funny.  For several days, every time she referred to Evan she would just say boy.  We were in the restroom at coop. 

Jessie:  Where's Jordan?
Me:  She's in her class.
Jessie:  Boy?
Me:  Evan's in his class too.  We don't know how or why this started but it was downright hilarious.  Then, as suddlenly as it began, it was over.  Moved on to something new.

Hope my funny girl has made you smile :)


*For those of you that know us online and not in person, our last name is Hall.

Sweetly Watching Sissy

Jessie standing on the couch, watching through a cut out between the living room and kitchen, while her sister is washing dishes.

For those that don't know it, the large V shaped space between Jessie's big toe and her next toe, is a characteristic of Down syndrome.  That first toe...I call that her rebellious toe, it's as long as her big toe, and is a carbon copy of that same toe on her daddy's foot.  My nose fits perfectly in that V  :)

Indoor Picnic

For days Jessie had known that we were planning a picnic at the park, with our friends Heather and Joshua.  All along I'd told her, IF IT DOESN"T RAIN ON THURSDAY.  Of course, last night I could tell it was going to rain, so I went ahead and gave her the bad news.  She has such a completely broken hearted cry at times, you would do anything to make it better.  I was scrambling, trying to come up with something that would ease her disappointment.  "We'll have an indoor picnic.  Remember, like on Caillou, we'll spread out our blanket." She wasn't sure at first what she thought about that idea, but by this morning she was excited about it.  By the time it was actually time to go, it had dried up enough to go to the park after all, but now she was sold on the indoor picnic! When it was time to pack our lunch, Jessie got her own little cooler/lunchbag and packed Capri Sun's for herself and Joshua.  She also packed them some fruit snacks, crackers and yogurt raisins.  She was very matter of fact about it. She packed those things, then brought the bag to show me.  She was proud to have done it by herself. 

Once at Heather's house, Jessie and Joshua got busy spreading their blankets, his Tigger blanket, her heart blanket.

Getting it just right......

While Jessie was eating her sandwich, Joshua read her a book

Turkey sandwich with mayo and ketchup, her strange new favorite sandwich

After lunch, outside to swing a little bit......

then back in for a little treat.  Heather had made homemade cinnamon rolls, so yummy with ice cream. Jessie and Joshua scarfed up some ice cream and came back for more.

Next, they concentrated so intently on painting some Christmas ornaments.  I know it's not

Christmas time, but.....we will enjoy having them next year.

Then, they played a little guitar

sweet friends

my sweet little musician. 

Desperate for Spring......

Jessie and I went to the park today for just an hour.  The sun was out so bright this morning that I thought it was warmer than it actually was.  Once we got out there it was still pretty cold and very windy.  We haven't been outside though in what seems like forever till the last couple days, so I really wanted to take her to the park.  Our friends Joshua and Heather met us there.  We are both so busy these days we have to squeeze in an hour here and an hour there. 

There had only been the four of us at the park and they left just a few minutes before we did.  Jessie wanted to play in the sand that is around the swing set, but it was pretty damp.  Since it was so damp it made it perfect for play, you just didn't want to sit in it.  Jessie made a little castle with a stick in the top.  I took a pecan and wrote I <3 Jessie in the sand.  When I showed it to her, thinking she would think it was cute, the little turkey was aggravated and told me to write love.  Recently, she learned to spell love and didn't like me substituting a heart!

Where we live we don't have much of a spring, which I hate because I LOVE spring.  It seems to go from winter to summer in the blink of an eye, just skipping over spring. I love to sit outside near the pool, when it isn't warm enough to swim, so it's very pleasant to sit and enjoy the sunshine.  The pool pump running makes the water move and I love the sound, (although artificial), of the water.   It's still too cold yet, but very soon that will be my favorite spot. I will sit out there with coffee and my Bible in the mornings.  Not early, but at what time I get up :), which I won't reveal lest you think I'm lazy.  When the weather is decent that is always where I go to make a phone call, leaving the chaos of the kids behind in the house.  They know (although they don't always obey!) that if they see me with my Bible or on the phone out there that they shouldn't come out.  That will be my favorite place till it starts to get too hot. Then, my favorite place will be floating in the pool.....preferably with the kids in the house, LOL. 

P.S.  As you can see by the date on the pictures, it took me over a week to finish this post after I started it. It is now warm enough to enjoy my favorite spot! One week ago it was cold, today I was wearing shorts. It's crazy!

"Go Hotel!"

Saturday we were out shopping for a dress for Jordan for our homeschool group's Spring Formal.  We took Jessie with us.  Although I took a stroller so she could rest some, she walked a fair amount, which is one of the reasons I took her with us. The other reason I took her is she loves to go places, be out of the house and loves the mall....because it has Chick Fil A and  the carousel.  Somehow, she forgot about the carousel.  We went to a couple of small stores first before we went to the mall.  She kept saying she wanted to go to the mall.  Go to the mall, go to the mall.  It really wasn't about the mall at all.  She kept saying she was hungry....she was NOT hungry when we started out.  She drove us crazy with constantly telling us she was hungry, she just wanted to go to Chick Fil A.  Honestly, I don't think she can distinguish between being hungry and wanting something to eat that she likes.  Jordan finally said that yesterday, something I hadn't really thought through before.  I just knew that once she got her Chick Fil A, she would be happy.  Nope.  She was briefly satisfied; it was short-lived.  She happily sat in her stroller and ate till all the nuggets were gone. 

Then, she started talking about wanting to go to a hotel.  She loves to go to a hotel; don't we all?  The only thing I can think of as to why she had this obsession....a couple months ago we had gone to Birmingham for a doctor appointment, the weather was bad and we had to stay overnight.  After her doctor appointment we had gone to the mall to shop and while we were there, my husband called us and said he would feel better if we just spent the night there, rather than driving the four hours home in the bad weather.  All three kids were with me, he encouraged me to just stay there at the Winfrey Hotel which was in the mall, so we wouldn't even have to leave the mall to go to a hotel.  I'm guessing this is what Jessie had in her mind, as to why she was so obsessed with going to a hotel after our shopping.  She kept repeating "Go hotel, brush our teeth, and go to bed.  Eat breakfast, go home."  "I'm tired, want to go hotel, go to bed."  I know she got bored with the shopping, but she was driving us NUTS with her replaying the broken record of "Go Hotel."

I'm sure if I had been feeling better, I might have done a better job of distracting her from her obsessive mission.  I started to run a fever while we were shopping, but I was determined to press on until we found THE dress. I just didn't feel well enough to let her try things on and play dress up while Jordan tried on dresses. 

I realize this post is not uplifting or encouraging.  Sometimes I just feel the need to be honest about some of the trying times.  We all have them. It's true whether our kid has Down syndrome or not.  This stubborn obsessiveness with something is an issue I have heard from other parents with DS too.  Tonight we were supposed to meet someone from the local newspaper to talk about the upcoming Miracle League season and Jessie was going to have her picture taken.  She was dressed in her ball shirt and we were almost there when we got the call that it was cancelled, and needed to be rescheduled.  She didn't like that one bit....she will probably ask me about it (when we will do it) every single day until the day it comes to pass.  Praying for patience on these days.....

I have noticed that when this type of behavior is to the extreme, a lot of the time, but not all of the time, I am able to see that there is something physically bothering her.  On Sunday, when I went to kiss her goodnight, I noticed a stinky, familiar, smell.  Her ear was draining.  She had never complained of it once and hadn't pulled or rubbed at it like she often will if it bothers her. She has reflux too and it has been flaired up and bothering her more than it had been for a while.  When it is, she tends to be a little edgy, touchy. I'm hoping that we get these couple of things feeling a little better and they she will chill out a little bit!

Mama Feeling Whiny Today......

Jessie has had diarrhea for a couple of days.  Wednesday and Thursday we stayed home together and I put off doing things that needed doing, finally, today they HAD to be done.  I had to do a quick run by at a doctor's office, go to Sam's to get prescriptions and some groceries, etc., go to Verizon to pay a bill and talk with Customer Service to decide whether to 1) make an insurance claim, paying the deductible to get a new phone or 2) whether or when I was eligible to get a new phone.  I've decided to TRY to hang in there till May but my phone is being very aggravating! 

I left Jessie at home with big brother and sister while I did all these things.  Most of the time I try to take Jessie with me when I run such errands, because it gets her out of the house a bit (she gets to talk to a million strangers while out which makes her happy and slows me down!) and Jordan and Evan can get their school work done.  One of two things happens when I leave her home with them on a school day.  EITHER, she watches entirely too much t.v. OR they don't get their school work done for entertaining her.   Either scenario leaves me feeling guilty. Even though it couldn't be helped the way things worked today, I told them they would have to finish their school work tomorrow :(  Soon as I got home from those errands, I threw things in the freezer and ran out the door again, taking Jordan to a friend's house to work on Chemistry and ACT prep, leaving Jessie home with Evan another couple hours.  The time between dropping her off and picking her back up left me with not really enough time to warrant driving all the way back to Headland, so I decided to run through a car wash, vacuum the van and get a few things at Walmart before picking Jordan back up. 

 Where the whining comes in........I debated whether I wanted to share this or not, but decided to do so.  It felt so wonderful today to do all those things without being slowed down by Jessie. Jessie doesn't have good endurance for a whole lot of walking, the walking she does is slow, and getting her in and out of the car, always a potty break or a snack, when we have errands to do it is painfully slow at times.  At Verizon she wants to look at what she wants to look at or talk to someone when I'm wanting to look at phones.  The last two trips to Verizon...when they called my name, I was taking her to the potty and lost my place in line.  When they realized I was there they called me again next, but you get what I'm sayin'.  I could never have accomplished all of what I got done today if she had been with me; I would have had to do part of the list today and finish the rest another day.  That's usually how I do things. Today I felt super productive (that always makes me feel good!) and felt guilty that I wish things weren't so hard. Maybe guilt isn't even the right word.  I felt tired of things being/seeming so hard. 

 Already, tonight I feel differently.  Tomorrow, I'll be completely back to my joyful self....but today....I felt weighted down. I have been mama to a little person for 15 years now.  Whereas Jordan and Evan were much more independent at the age Jessie is now (8), physically, in many ways with Jessie, it is still like caring for a toddler.  I still brush her teeth, wipe her bottom, wash her hair, help with getting dressed etc.  She doesn't do any of those things well enough yet to do them herself.  Today, just for today, I felt tired of having "a toddler".  I am ready for a new phase, that truly I don't think is right around the corner.  I didn't like having these feelings, even while knowing they are normal. 

While Jessie has had diarrhea, I have had to keep a towel under her wherever she sits or sleeps; she has had many accidents as she doesn't realize it in time to make it to the potty.  I have been constantly washing the clothes and towels.  Today, while I was gone, Jordan and Evan were dealing with that (not the washing but the taking care of her). What a wonderful big brother and sister they are.  When I dropped Jordan off and was debating on whether to come back home (which would have involved 1hr of driving back and forth with just 30 or 45 minutes at home before going back to get her) Evan encouraged me to just do the things I needed to do, that he and Jessie would be just fine, and that he didn't mind, it was no big deal.  He had no idea how I needed that today or what a big deal it was to me. 

It felt SO GOOD to clean out my van! That may sound crazy but the van was so dirty it was just gross.  When you have to pull up the big trash can and move it from door to door as you clean....that's a sign it was too long overdue. 

Today I couldn't help feeling aggravated at how difficult some things are right now.  I needed to have time to do alone, things that had to be done.  I worry in sharing these kinds of feelings, that someone who doesn't know me well enough will misunderstand.  I also worry that those that do know me in person, and not just online, will feel sorry for me....don't! I did for today, and that was enough.  I'm over it.  I am always thankful that Jessie is ours, our lives are immeasurably enriched and better because of her.  When I got home tonight, I kissed her all over her face and told her how much I missed her.  It was true, even though I was glad to get done things I needed to, I missed my sweet little puffalump and couldn't wait to get all her sugar and snuggle with her for a few minutes. I called her while I was at Walmart today and told her I'd found her a new swimsuit cover up and asked what color she wanted.  She loves to get phone calls, loves new, pretty things, and loves making the choices herself.  She chose purple.  Tomorrow, I can't wait to show it to her.  She'll be so excited....and that will make my day :)

Stella: A Sweet New Addition To Our Family

For several months Evan had been pondering, thinking, trying to decide if he wanted the responsibility of a new dog or puppy.  It was understood that feeding and caring for the new dog WOULD BE his responsibility.  Accidents, etc., in the house, HIS responsibility.  He weighed the pros and cons of puppies vs. dogs but wasn't fully decided when we began our search.  We visited Animal Control and the Humane Society.  The only dog he fell in love with failed to pass their temperament test :(  Jordan and I fell in love with a beautiful lab puppy.....Evan just wasn't interested.  Still searching, we started looking online....Craig's List and Pet Finder....and found Stella.

Stella was fur and bones, very skinny.  She weighs 50 lbs, but the vet said she should weigh 70.  In the nearly two weeks we've had her, she has started to fill out so beautifully.  Her ribs and spine were painfully noticeable and bony.  She had been adopted by someone else just a few days before.  Kelly said she looked even worse before we saw her, that in the few days she'd had her, she'd filled out a little.  Kelly already had a bulldog and hoped the two dogs would be companions, but "Tater" wasn't having it so she had advertised her on Craigs List. 

When we first talked about the dogs Evan was interested in, Jay and I agreed that with certain breeds (Dobermans being one of them), that we would want to have them as a puppy to grow up with Jessie, being used to her.  When I first called about Stella, I misunderstood, and thought she was a younger dog.  She is estimated to be 2 to 3 years old. After emailing with Kelly several times, she sounded like a perfect fit for our family and decided to meet her, even though she was older than we'd  first thought we wanted. 

We loved Stella right from the start.  She is THE sweetest dog ever! She wants to be loved every minute of the day!  To be such a large dog, she is surprisingly calm.  She is loving to everyone in the family, and very tolerant of Jessie being somewhat unpredictable.  Jessie doesn't know if there are things dogs don't typically like; but Stella doesn't seem to be bothered by much of anything. At first she didn't pay any attention to the cats.......but now, if they run she will chase.  If they aren't running (or hissing at her because she has previously chased them!) she isn't concerned with them.  Boo (our other dog) has been terribly jealous, but is starting to calm down.  They have started to play together and it is HILARIOUS to watch because of the difference in their sizes, and seeing long- legged Stella playing like a puppy.  Evan is so in love with his new dog.  Getting a new dog/pet is always a bit of a gamble.  There are always things you can't know for sure.  Whew! Glad this one worked out! 

This is Jessie's handwriting from the day or so when we first got Stella.  I always try to make Jessie's handwriting (and other schoolwork) meaningful to her whenever possible :)

Jessie's new infatuations...Mouthwash and Go Fish

Jessie is such a funny girl.  She doesn't mind brushing her teeth, but she doesn't love it either.  Mainly she doesn't like to do it because it interrupts something else she is doing that she likes better, often that is watching t.v.! All that is now changed because of her "mouthwash", at least for now.  The dentist recommended (actually a couple of  visits ago) that we try using the flouride mouthwash.  Jessie has had 3 cavities in the last year or so and before that had none, ever.  This flouride rinse has a built in little measuring cup in the top to dispense the right amount.  Although Jessie can't do the whole process entirely on her own without spilling it, she loves squeezing the bottle to get it to dispense, pouring (with help) into a little cup, swishing it around (so funny to watch her face) then out with a big spit.  Thinking of the whole thing now it reminds me of my coffee rituals; such a simple thing and yet it brings me such pleasure!

The other night when we played cards when the youth were at our house, it got the kids and I interested in playing cards again, something we hadn't done much in a while.  We taught Jessie to play Go Fish the next day.  She so wants to be a part of everything we are doing.  The other games we played are too complicated for her to learn at this point, so I taught her to play Go Fish.  She doesn't fully comprehend the game, and has to have reminders, but she is loving it and wants to play every day.  Right now she is playing with Jordan in the living room. I love listening to them, Jordan patiently instructing.  What a precious big sister she is.

In the End...A Good Day

Today was one of those days that throughout the day, as the day went on, my opinion of the day continued to change.   

As homeschoolers we don't HAVE to be up and out early every day, so I find it difficult to stay on as good of a schedule as we should.  The closer we get to time for a school break...the later AND LATER the kids tend to sleep.  It seems since Jordan and Evan got to be teenagers ALL they want to do is sleep. Some days they are only up what seems a short time before they are falling asleep.  This greatly ANNOYS their mother!  Myself included, as we get close to an extended school break (Christmas, spring break, summer) we get up later and later. They didn't have much school work to do today, they each only have a couple of things to complete before they can be free till about January 4th.  When I have let them sleep late, I appreciate productivitity and plenty of it once they are up.  We were having a Youth Christmas Party at our house tonight.  Although there are only a few of us (in the youth group)...house prep wise...it takes the same amount of time!  Today we needed to clean our house, wash lots of bedding (where our scaredy cat dog peed on the bed while we were gone and it was storming), make a deliciously decadent peanut butter and chocolate dessert, make dip, sloppy joes and some minor cleaning. 

I don't know if other mom's feel the same (and I'd be interested to know!) but I'm constantly rating myself as a mother..based on the actions of my children.  When I couldn't get things done like they needed to be earlier in the day..I was feeling like such a failure, that my kids wouldn't be able to manage their homes when they are adults.  At one point, (speaking loudly!) I told them when they were adults and their homes were a disorganized mess that it would be my fault because I hadn't made them stick to a cleaning schedule (by not imposing consistent consequences)! My kids help a lot around the house...they are very good helpers, BUT the house does not run like a well oiled machine like I wish it did. If we followed the chore schedule on our refrigerator, our house should regularly be tidy and clean enough to not have to spend tons of time getting ready to have company.  We simply cannot seem to stick to that schedule!

This is an area I have struggled with for as long as I can remember.  Before we had kids, it was pretty easy to clean everything that needing doing on a Saturday.  Then, there was noone to be destroying something new while you are cleaning something else..that would be my sweet Jessie.  These days, it seems we have so much going on, that it is impossible to truly stay on top of things (to a comfortable, not perfect level!) and that drives me bonkers.  I did too much for them when they were younger, and didn't make them develop and stick with good habits that would help things stay more tidy.  The first three fourths of the day I spent feeling like I haven't prepared my kids to run a home of their own....FAIL.

The last part of the day we finished (last minute) the things we needed to do.  We ate a simple supper off our beautiful Christmas dishes (that I'd recently bought at a yard sale, never had Christmas dishes before!).  Candles lit everywhere.  I love candles everywhere, it makes my husband very nervous, all those "open flames" as he calls them.  Makes everything smell so good.  Enjoyed our time with the youth (3 besides mine!) playing cards for a while with my kids even after everyone else left.  At the end of the day  I thought how we enjoyed being together and what great kids they really are....even if they are slobs.  There are many other areas where I am so very proud of my kids.  I truly not only love them, but like them as well.  I try to remind myself of these things when I think of these weak areas, in which I may never excel....or pass on to them what I wish.  In the end...A good day.  Rotten kids....

P.S. this post was actually from yesterday, I just didn't get it finished! I'm not sure why I felt compelled to share this particularly unflattering information about myself and my family... I probably own more books about organization and scheduling than anyone I know.  I realize I am rambling again, sorry! Felt therapeutic though...